Apparently you make a good broom.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
