I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
