My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
