dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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