If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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