And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
