Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
