This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
