I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
