why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
