went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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