he wants to bone in the snuggie
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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