I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
