I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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