Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My ATM looks so different sober.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
