I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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