I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
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