did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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