Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
