NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
