I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
