I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
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