can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
