im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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