Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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