I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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