It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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