she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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