i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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