you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
