A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's blow job season.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
