I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
