I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
