I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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