I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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