Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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