I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Just puked most of my soul out..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
