Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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