The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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