do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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