A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
