i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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