My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
