Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
