i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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