I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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