i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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