everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
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