Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
