He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
