my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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