Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
