I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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