I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
