Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Who died my cat blue again?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
